turn the page

i sit here on my queen sized bed..(..of which i sleep always on one side.....i have never got used to the concept of having a bed thats abt 1.5 times the size i need....so why did i buy it in the first place....my parents were coming to town....and i needed a bed as big as two...)....staring at this empty notepad screen.....there is this uneasy feeling in my throat....and a song in my head....metallica rendering its version of bob segers turn the page.....

"On a long and lonesome highway,
east of Omaha
You can listen to the engines
moanin' out it's one old song
You can think about the woman,
or the girl you knew the night before
But your thoughts will soon be wanderin',
the way they always do
When you're ridin' 16 hours,
and there's nothin' much to do
And you don't feel much like ridin',
you just wish the trip was through"

why i say metallicas version of bob segers song is....coz apart from the mournful saxophone...they take away the melancholic soulful voice and replace it with angry guitars and an agressive drum.....they take the story of a rockstar...(dont worry i didnt get that off the song.....i got it off the net....wonderful invention the net is....u find whatever u want...online:).....from meaning of lyrics to books you want to read.....from technology u r supposed to be an expert of and have no clue abt......to music videos on youtube of songs by artists....who closed down one of the largest p2p music sharing networks for piracy......just abt anything u want:) ).....and turn it into the ballad of the exotic dancer/prostitute mother trying to make a living and taking care of her kid....with fleeting images of her testimony in what looks like a child care court of some sort.....you cant help but feel sorry for her.....

"Here I am, on the road again,
there I am, up on the stage
There I go, playin' star again,
there I go, turn the page"

why did i start writing this bit....i am not sure....it was probably that uneasy feeling that i had in me....you know....the kind when you are down a few more drinks than you could probably handle.....(coz u were trying to feel that buzz that everyone said would make you feel subconsciously unaware of the world that lies outside.....the worst thing abt drinking is that when u drink u r aware u r drinking.....and the conscious mind puts up a fight not to get drunk....i mean the world grows blurry and hazy.....but u know in the heart of your hearts....u may be drunk.....but u yet cant be....maybe thats why i like beer.....though it tastes like sour apple juice.....i drink it like a cold drink....but it creeps up and though it doesnt give me a buzz.....just makes me feel very sleepy).....when you are staring down the shit pot having puked just about everything you had during the day.....black liquid flowing on the lovely white background......like oil on porcelain.......so there you are trying to vomit some more of the poison that fills your blood.....you know you havent got anything left in you.....but you think you got more to vomit.....that uneasy feeling......that feeling of "running on empty" but not knowing where to stop....that uneasy feeling.....

"So you walk into this restaurant,
uh strung out from the road
And you feel the eyes upon you,
as you're shakin' off the cold
You pretend it doesn't bother you,
but you just want to explode
Yeah, most times you can't hear 'em talk,
other times you can "

"All the same old cliche's,
is it woman, is it man
And you always seem outnumbered,
you don't dare make a stand
Make your stand"

so maybe i will write a couple of paragraphs and try and sound wise....fact of the matter is most of it is just the way i feel....the rest of it is just lines from here and there.....i guess the one thing i believed in was being honest while writing....like talking to a friend.....over a period of time most of what i write has reduced to a few words....somehwhere i seek a greater level of empathy from my empty page or empty notepad screen.... a truer friend......that lines convey pages:).....also lines from here and there may hold some relevance for me when i hear them.....so when i go back and read what i wrote....it brings back a memory or two of what i thought abt when i heard the line or the song.....or probably what was happening when i wrote those lines....a memory is a funny thing....its a boxed emotion....open it any time and u can feel the way u did a while back....like recorded mood tapes....the strength of the feeling and probably the relevance changes over time.....but still it holds some idea of the way u thought or felt in the past....for example...i recall spending 5 hours with my family in assembling my bunk bed when i was about 9 or 10....and i still feel happy....the bunk bed still lies in my old room.....at my home in delhi miles away.....

"Ah But here I am, on the road again,
there I am, up on the stage
Here I go, ah playin' star again,
there I go, turn the page
Woah"

"Out there in the spotlight,
you're a million miles away
Every ounce of energy,
you try and give away
As the sweat pours out your body,
like the music that you play"

i guess maybe talking to the screen helps...an open listening medium...a vent for the wandering mind churning bytes of thoughts that on the one hand adds to the garbage online.....and on the other brings out the person.....

"Later in the evenin',
as you lie awake in bed
With the echoes of the amplifiers,
ringin' in your head
You smoke the day's last cigarette,
rememberin' what she said

What she said "

i like reading books or movies that involve monologues....i like reading blogs perhaps for the same reasons....the way people think fascinates me....my friend once told me that the current state of the world at any given moment is a possibility among billions of possibilities...multiply the probability of a particular thought occuring in a persons brain.....thats what makes it so amazing....what could trigger a thought...an idea....a feeling.....maybe by a process of elimination you could arrive at a conclusion.....but still its interesting to read a persons thoughts.....

i watched memento today....the director has devised the movie as a stack of memories....when i say stack...i mean the computer relevant terminology....last memory in is the first represented to the viewer and then the movie goes backwards.....so the viewer watches 10 mins of the movie....the movie spins back 20 mins back and shows the next ten mins....this continues for the rest of the movie....the way the movie is weaved is wonderful....it keeps you engaged....and one gets to hear guy pearce's thoughts as the narrative....he suffers from short term memory loss....its a good watch....

"Yeah, and here I am,
on the road again,
there I am, up on that stage
Here I go, playin' star again,
there I go, turn the page
And there I go, turn that page

There I go, yeah, Here I go, yeah, yeah
There I go, yeah, Here I go, yeah
Here I go-oh-o, There I go
And I'm gone"
(lyrics from Metallica's version of Turn the page....which just means they changed a few words from Bob Seger's version and added "yeah" a bunch of times...or at least thats what I could tell)

reality bites.....its 1:15....i am trying to get back my reading habit....so need to get back to arundati roy's "the god of small things".....and walk down the roads of Ayememem with Estha, Ammu, Rahel and Velutha....good night my notepad screen.....and my black hole of a blog:)